MY STORY VOL. 5

After the second ultrasound has been performed I clean up and Matt and I are led into a room with one window, and a table with two chairs on one side and one chair on the other. When the appointment was made with the Maternal Fetal Medicine office it was made with (oh, lets call her) Dr. Williams. We are surprised then that we are greeted by Dr. Spencer. Dr. Spencer is late middle aged with blond hair and a thick Brazilian accent. She tells us to have a seat. My stomach hollows out.
Dr. Spencer then proceeds to regale us with the test results and what they all mean. Honestly I don't remember too much about the ordeal. What I remember most is the window right behind her head. In that window I saw a gray, cold, rainy parking lot. I wanted to crawl out of that window so badly. I wanted to run as far and as fast as I could across the corn fields and soybean fields of Indiana all the way back home to Tennessee. I didn't want to let this thing happen to me, to us. I do remember words being said to me like 'terminate', and 'kidney failure', dialysis, and 'death'. She said she didn't think I'd live to see 40 and to use the time I have left wisely and to not have this baby. At one point during it all I looked over at Matt and he looked so scared. He was holding my hand and touching my shoulder and rubbing my back. He was clutching onto me like I was already starting to fade away and he was trying to stop it all by himself. I've never been so scared in all my life.